Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Candles never taste the way they smell
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her