You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
me linking you to my twitter
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days