H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
So sick of all these stupid rules
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.