A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
fired