I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Not today. 😅
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
There is wisdom there.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Happy birthday to all the women
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.