Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
starting a garage orchestra
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.