Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
For the orator and chef in all of us
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week