That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m calling the cops.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata