“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Oh hi lol