Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
That’s classic.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?