[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love