wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
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“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken