Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.