NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.