So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Don’t forget to tip your server
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO