Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
You Might Also Like
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.