me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project