{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*