Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport