Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I am crying
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A ghost story
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.