I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
technically true but not a great slogan
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance