If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus