Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The symmetry is uncanny.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?