him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.