Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I have obtained a hat
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good