Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
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step 1: gain 40lb
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism