When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
You Might Also Like
I’m tired tomorrow.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My favorite farside!!
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.