My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again