My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.