This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
You Might Also Like
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Name this drama.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
what could possibly go wrong?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy