Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.