Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.