Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
What the dentist sees
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
what it’s like dating me:
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.