Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal