We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Gods work.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.