what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under