I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
When someone trying to leave me
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco