[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I am also baked goods
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Breaking news:
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.