“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Breaking news:
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week