Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?