Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
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[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.