OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
You Might Also Like
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I don’t know what to do
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
how was your vacation
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.