Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Smile they said.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking