The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
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everyone has that one prude friend
me when i see my girls butt
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?