Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
When libraries troll their patrons.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?