You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?