Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.