Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
They did not miss in the small print
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
One venti cheeseburger please.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
What the dentist sees
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes