The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.