Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
You Might Also Like
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is